So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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