Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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