Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
