god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
