I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
