he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize