My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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