I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm having to shit out rocks
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
