____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
