dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
