i may or may not be watching the land before time
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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