Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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