Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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