the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
