I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
