I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
