I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
