I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
