I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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