I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
