So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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