Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
