hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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