Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
How external is "for external use only"?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
