some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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