we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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