video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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