3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
