my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
