Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he fucked my hip out of place.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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