I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
