I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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