When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
