the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
