can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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