What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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