My underwear smells like fireworks.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
