At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
