I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize