He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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