Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My liver just broke up with me...
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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