Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
