she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
