Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
tell me about the eggs
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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