Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
