my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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