Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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