Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
