I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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