I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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