I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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