the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
