Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
