I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
