he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
