if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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