Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
