So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
