Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
