saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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