420 ftw
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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