So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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