As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
