I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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