Where is the hickey?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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