I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
